Now That You're Gone
by Labrynth
Summary: Xander struggles to recover from his loss.


Disclaimer: All characters belong to Joss Whedon and the WB network etc, etc. This is an attempt on my part to get a better understanding of a character that I don't always understand. I generally don't write disclaimers first because most of the time my stories change from their original ideas to something else. Hopefully this time that won't be the case else I'm in trouble (Now is not the time to panic. Start panicking. Sorry... had a Disney flashback.). There are a few characters within the Buffyverse that no matter how hard I try, I just can't see, or at least not clearly, from their point of view. While I like these characters for the most part, I rarely agree with their choices or their thought process, or lack thereof. For these reasons, these are the characters that rarely show up in my fan fiction. I'm hoping to be able to begin to overcome this… lack of understanding… and maybe it will lead to stronger parts for some of these people I find hard to comprehend. As for the timeline of this story… well, it's a bit complicated. It takes place somewhere within Becoming, but the end of that episode doesn't take place. Use your imagination.

*******

Now That You're Gone

No matter how many days passed, he still couldn't believe she was gone. True, this had almost happened once before, but this time she hadn't come out of it. This time he hadn't been able to tell her he loved her, and this time she had died. He hadn't even been there to help her. That was the one thing that would haunt him forever. He hadn't been able to help her because he hadn't been there. Closing his eyes, he sinks to the bed, not caring that he was wrinkling the black suit he was wearing for the funeral. They had told him what happened, but it didn't matter. The things he imagined were worse than what they said. He knew it hadn't been painless. He knew she was terrfied. He knew he should have been there.

***

"Xander? Did you hear me?" Buffy asked softly, unsure as to if he heard her or if he had just gone into shock. Yes, it was a lot to absorb at once, but she thought he could handle it. She knew he was going to flip, but she didn't expect him to just stare at her as if he hadn't heard her.

"Yeah… I heard you. Are you sure? I mean…" he stopped, knowing better than to ask that. Even if it had been possible, she wouldn't have wanted it that way. Of course she never expected to die so young either. "Never mind. I know what you'll say. She wouldn't have wanted that."

He sighed and Buffy hugged him close. It was going to be hard on all of them, but Xander would probably take it the hardest. He had, after all, known Willow from the time they had been born. He dropped down to the steps, then looked up at her.

"How did it happen?" he asked, not really sure he wanted to know. Ignorance is bliss, isn't that what they always said?

She watched him a moment before answering. She wasn't so sure he could handle it, and she didn't want him to know what Willow had gone through. Xander would freak completely if he knew all the details. Deciding to keep some of it to herself, she takes a deep breath and begins.

"It was just a simple patrol, you know? I mean no big prophecies, no one to die just then. Just watching the cemetery, keeping vampires from rising from their graves. Done it a hundred times before. No big deal. We were just sitting there, talking. It had been so quiet… we didn't even think twice about it really. I mean…" she struggled with the words she wanted, but just couldn't find them. Dropping down next to him, she tries again. "The demon just came from no where. One minute it was quiet, the next it had a hold of Willow. I tried to pry it off, but I couldn't. It was just so strong. So I staked it… I mean it might have been a demon, but it would at least get his attention right? But it wouldn't let her go. It was like it was just totally focused on Willow for some reason. I was trying to decide what to do, and then it ran, taking Willow with it.

"I followed, but it was moving fast. It was everything I could do just to keep it in sight, let alone actually catch it. So that's what I did. I followed. Followed it straight to the factory. I guess I should have known it was going there. Doesn't every creature we meet go there at least once?" Her laugh was brittle, and Xander knew she was hurting too. More than likely she was blaming herself for what had happened. Blamed herself for not getting Willow away from the thing when she could.

"It went in and I stopped. It looked like Willow had passed out… she was limp. He was still carrying her by her neck, but I don't think she was hurt then. I think that was saved for the person who sent for her. I went in and found her lying on the floor. I panicked, and thought she was already dead, but then she moved. So I went to her and knelt down next to her. She just kinda smiled up at me and asked 'Guess we should have paid better attention huh?'

"I almost laughed, but nothing seemed very funny at that point. I asked her if she could get up and she said yes. She thought she could walk too. She just thought she was a bit bruised, but everything seemed fine to her. I guess I didn't think anymore about it. I just wanted to get her out of there. I didn't even have any intentions of killing the demon then. I just wanted her out of there, wanted her safe. Maybe I should have tried killing the demon first. If I had, then I'd have known who sent it…

"We were in the basement, so we climbed the stairs. She said her head was spinning, but we both thought it was because of the way she had been handled. By the time we got to the top, she was clinging to the wall in an effort to keep standing. So I carried her. We were almost out… she was just out of it. It was like she had been drugged. I could see the door, and I heard the footsteps, but I was trying to get out. It was almost dawn. Demons don't come out in the day light right?

"Then he stepped in front of the door. It was him."

She stopped and looked at him. She could see the pain on his face and knew this was so hard for him. She had come directly to him after talking to Willow's parents. She hadn't told Oz yet, she wasn't sure how he'd take it. And, well, Xander had known her longer… it just seemed right.

"He didn't tell me the name of the demon, I'm sure Giles can find it later, but he told me that to touch the skin of the demon meant taking the poison from it into yourself. I started to feel sick then… just a little nauseated. He said Willow would die, and there wasn't anything I could do about it. He told me even if I got her to a hospital, they wouldn't be able to do anything. Who has a cure for demon poison right?

"And then, then Willow looked at me. She had this… look… on her face. I can even begin to describe it. She asked for you, then she asked for Oz. Then… then she started to jerk. It looked like she was having a seizure. Except for her face. She was still looking at me. She was scared, I could see it. Then it just stopped. She looked at me again, then her eyes slowly closed. I panicked. I threw a stake at him; he ducked and it hit a window. The light came through and he was forced to back off. So I took her to the closest hospital. They said she was already dead by the time I got her there…"

She closed her eyes and tried not to cry again. She had spent all morning with Willow's parents, trying to come up with a good excuse. She looked at Xander and felt the horror coming back at her again.

***

He felt like his world was coming apart. His best friend was dead now, and nothing could bring her back. Numbness had set in, but he knew that soon he would want to die too. He should have been there! He was supposed to have been there, but well, Cordy had wanted to do something that didn't involve everyone else, so he had gone with her. Maybe if he had been there, he could have helped Buffy and they could have gotten Willow away from the demon before she had gotten sick. Giles could have done something. He would have figured it out. Giles knew everything, didn't he?

The world was spinning around, and he just knew the Earth would fall out from under his feet and he would be left floating in space somewhere. This was all a dream, it had to be. Willow couldn't be dead. She was his other half, his twin… his best friend. What was he going to do without her? He could hear Buffy talking, but her words didn't make sense to him. He began to sink into oblivion as the reality of the situation hit him.

*******

He rose from the bed slowly, wiping the tears from his eyes. He knew she had suffered, he knew she had been terrified. Knew the poison must have made her feel like she was burning from the inside out. And he hadn't been there. His only consolation had to be that at least Buffy had been there. Buffy held her as she died so she hadn't been alone. But dammit! She had asked for him! Asked for him, but he had been too busy with Cordy to even think about her.

Moving slowly to his door, he realizes this will be the first time since he found out that he has been out of his room. His mom had brought him dinner, not that he ate it, but he hadn't set foot out of this room. Willow was here… she spent time with him in this small square. They rarely ever hung out in the rest of the house when she was there, they always just stayed here. Their shelter from the world. Of course most of the time they spent together had been at her house, but they did spend time here. He glanced over his shoulder at the TV in the corner and smiled faintly. They watched A Charlie Brown Christmas there every year. He could remember it like they had watched it yesterday. They would pile pillows in the floor and lay on them, then he'd do the Snoopy dance for her. She'd always laugh…

Closing the door behind him, he tried to shut out the memories. Tried to block out all the pain. It wasn't working.

*******

Xander stood by the coffin, his mind and body numb. Mindlessly, he nodded to the well wishers and shook hands, not remembering whom he had just spoken to just a few seconds before. It didn't matter now. Nothing mattered now really. It was all just a cruel joke being played on him. His world was gone, and he had never imagined that one person could mean so much to him. Sure, he knew he loved Willow. She was his best friend after all. But never, even in his worst nightmares, did he dream about how this would all feel. Never once did he know the kind of hollowness that would sit inside him. Yeah, she had had the chicken pox twice and as a child he thought it might kill her. He had cried for two weeks until he could see her again. But nothing could possibly compare to what he felt now.

Looking up, he sees everyone leave. It's time to go to the graveside. Turning, he looks first at all his friends… Buffy, Cordy, Oz… they were all standing up here with him, then he looked at her parents. Blinking back tears, he moves to the casket and leans down to place a gentle kiss on her forehead.

"I'm sorry Will… I should have been there. I'll make it right, I promise. I love you."

He feels a hand on his shoulder and looks up to see Oz standing next to him. He tries to smile, but can't and the tears fall faster than he can stop them. Before he can say anything, he finds himself surrounded by his remaining friends, all of them hugging him. Almost expecting to see her, he looks once for red hair. But she's gone. Gone forever…

***

Watching the casket as it is slowly lowered into the Earth, he steps forward, dropping a white rose onto it's top. Waiting until it comes to rest, he picks up a handful of dirt and lets it slip from his hand into the hole. I promise, he thinks as his mind races to decide how best to do it. He watches blindly as attendants begin to fill in the hole and turns as he feels Buffy's hand on his shoulder.

"Come on," she says softly, leading him away, "Let's go home."

He follows, not hearing anything else she says, just thinking how best to keep his promise.

*******

Watching the factory, Xander knows everything has to go smoothly or he won't get the justice he wants so badly. He almost hadn't told Buffy what he was going to do, but knew she was hurting too. Besides, he needed help. He couldn't do this alone. They had almost asked Oz to join them, but he was so wrapped up in his grief that he refused to speak to anyone. They feared he would be more hindrance than help. But they would bring him back a gift. He would know that Willow had been avenged.

Moving quietly, he follows behind Buffy, keeping low so they won't be spotted. Giles had told them that all should be still inside the factory, but they didn't want to take the chance that a vampire had risen early. Dusk was almost upon them, and they knew they didn't have much time.

***

Dru had been easy enough, they had staked her while she was asleep. She didn't even know what had hit her. Of course that wasn't quite as satisfying as having her know who killed her, but Buffy was happy to just have her dead. It was one less vampire for them to worry about. They staked a few fledglings, and Xander urged her on, wanting to find the one responsible.

They had wound their way through most of the mansion, but hadn't found Spike yet. They found his wheelchair, but no sign of the vampire himself. This worried Xander. What if he was watching them? Buffy had found it odd too, but hadn't said much. She seemed to think that he was growing stronger and was perhaps testing his legs as they healed. Even if he wasn't around, it worried the both of them. If it was dark enough for Spike to be about, then the one they wanted was sure to be around as well. They would not catch him like they had caught Dru it seemed. That was alright with Xander though, he wanted this one to know who's hand he would die by.

***

Xander looked at Buffy, then looked at Angelus. Once he had told the vampire that he would be there to watch him die. Xander had no idea that time would come so soon. Either the vampire died tonight, or Xander would die trying. Either way, the outcome wouldn't be too bad. At least for him. If he died then he would see Willow again. If he killed the vampire then he kept his promise. At this point it didn't matter much to him which way it went.

The vampire had been bold in approaching them. They had almost begun to think he was gone just as Spike was. Heading for the door, he cut them off… this time with no fear that sunlight would become a hindrance to him.

"I had fun watching her die you know. Not as entertaining as I could have had if I had drank from her until she was dry. But still amusing. Had no idea that demon would give such a good game when I summoned it. Will be almost as much fun as Acthala when he rises." Angelus said, his tone mocking.

Neither of them rose to the bait, instead waited for him to leave himself open.

"Acthala isn't going to be joining us," Buffy told him, her tone firm, "Because we're going to kill you."

He laughed, looking between the two of them. "You and the love sick little fool who follows you around like a puppy? I don't think so. I might not have a slayer to my name yet, well at least not one I've killed," he smirked and Xander had the urge to rip his throat out, "But I do intend to start with you."

Buffy moved first, puling a stake from the waistband of her pants. She launched herself onto him, trying to nail him fast. Her fist connects with his jaw and his head snapped back. "That was for Jenny," she hisses softly. Xander stands back and watches, at first in shock, but soon thoughts of his best friend fill his mind and his anger becomes cold and honed.

Knocking Buffy aside as she swings again he then turns to look at her. Sneering, he bends down and picks her up, tossing her against a wall.

"I told you that you couldn't do it. I knew I was right." He told her as her head smacked against the wall. Turning, he looks at Xander. "And what do you intend to do? You think you can stop me? I know you don't... we've had this conversation before. Haven't we?" He laughed and started for Xander, only to be stopped by Buffy.

Grabbing him by the neck, she arches him back, not letting go. "NOW!" she yells at Xander. Running forward, Xander pulls the small dagger from his pocket. Grabbing Angel's hand, he brings the wickedly sharp blade down. Feeling the skin separate, he feels the finger slid away from the rest of the hand, the blade catching only once as it hits bone. The vampire howls in pain, struggling to break free but the Slayer's grip is too strong. Taking the finger, Xander looks down at it and smiles slightly as the light glints off the Claddagh ring still on it. Oz would have a souvenir. Looking back up at the vampire, he pulls a stake from another pocket and smiles at him coldly just as he swings it down. "I told you I'd be around to watch it dead boy," he whispers just as the stake enters the vampire's heart.

Letting go of him, Buffy backs off, careful to avoid the vampire as he falls. "Buffy," he growls and reaches for her just as he turns to dust.

*******

Sitting with his back against her tombstone, Xander smiles slightly as he tells Willow what happened.

"You should have seen the look on his face. He never thought he would die you know. He thought he would live forever. Maybe he would have. I don't know. I just know I couldn't let him get away with what he did to you."

Closing his eyes, he tries to stop the tears, but finds that he can't.

"I miss you so much Will. The days go by and I just feel like half of me is missing. I just hope that wherever you are, you know how much I love you. Know how much I miss you." He pauses, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. "Oz misses you too. And Buffy… they both do. Oz doesn't even play in the band now… he just sits in his room now. I don't think he's been out for weeks. And Buffy, well you know how Buffy is. She takes it out on the vampires she goes after. We still haven't seen anything of Spike. We almost dare to hope he's gone for good, but you can never be too sure with him."

He sighed and rose, stopping to put a white rose on her tombstone. Placing it next to the one he left the day before, he looks up at the sky. Almost dusk now… time to get home. Looking back down at the still fresh grave, he kisses his hand and touches the cold marble.

"I'll see you tomorrow Will… I'm sure my day will be just as lonely without you, but at least I can tell you how much I missed you. Night Will…"


End file.
